我們只是產業的中繼站－西瓜日記

昨天小人們跟盲媽一起去台中掃墓。(正確來說應該是追思與獻花，基督徒也是有的，不要這樣…)

回來的時候有說被親戚的小狗追著跑

我: 是哈士奇?

盲:哈士奇已經死了，是新養的柴犬。

我:哦

我:柴犬很喜歡人啊，所以它看到你們來很開心想跟著你們玩所以才會追你們吧! (讓我想到柴犬與很容易被誤認的~~它的親戚~~秋田，因為出現比例的關係，凡以後見到都稱柴命中率高)

(這時母啊突然自顧自地跌入過去自家養狗的回憶)

我: 我家以前也養過狗，返鄉掃墓讓我想到以前有一隻叫保羅的臘腸狗

盲:是那種看到就想一腳踢它的狗嗎?

我:你沒事幹麻一腳踢人家?

盲:因為它很小腿很短

我:那你應該一直很想踢我

盲:(正中) (歐飛)

回歸正題

這隻保羅，就在某次我們返鄉掃墓的時候，留在親戚家送給親戚了

瓜:為什麼?

我:因為典獄長不喜歡我們養狗，里長伯又沒事就帶狗回來，所以他就趁機把它留在南部了。當時我覺得很傷心，雖然它是隻笨狗，取洋名外國種的比較笨應該是有道理的。

我們第一隻養的狗很聰明叫小黑，是隻流浪土狗，後來生了五隻小狗，小狗很兇，牙齒長出來之後就亂咬人，後來全都送人了，當時我也覺得很傷心。

說到我小時候，大概就跟林良小太陽裡描述的一樣，是一個小型動物園，舉凡你想得到的家常小動物:金魚小雞小鴨小狗小老鼠烏龜兔子，我們全養過了。但唯一的不同是，我們一直是觀光客，唯一的動物園園長就是典獄長，但其實典獄長並不想當園長，她平常日理萬機，要管好方已經很辛苦了，找到機會就要把他們送走。

也許當下很難過，但是長大就能理解了，要是我是當時的典獄長，我一天就把他們送走了。(所以我很佩服可以同時handle毛小孩與小孩的媽媽)

所以要養小動物之前，要先學會照顧，學會照顧別人之前，要先學會照顧自己。

瓜:我已經會養蝦跟魚了，要餵食與滴藥跟固定換水，所以再多練習之後就可以養比較難的動物，對嗎?

我: 對也不對，養動物除了照顧的難度之外，還有陪伴，要陪他玩甚至有的要帶它去戶外運動。

這時我看著旁邊被子裡張著大眼睛、依偎在我身邊的二瓜，靜靜地聽著我們對話，不知道為什麼那個眼神很像我養過的兔子happy.

*****************

Happy是一隻我出社會之後回家住(求學一直在外)之後憤青時期養的獅子兔(脖子有一圈的毛很像鬃獅)，但我一直覺得它沒有自覺自己是一隻兔子，而覺得自己是一隻狗，當然也有可能是憤青的自我心理投射，

例如2005年跟狗一樣:

絕對不要跟狗一樣，還假裝自己不是狗

就像她從不諱言「她是隻狗，不是兔子」

繞圈圈、搖尾巴、開門看門、看人臉色

這種狗科會的小兒科對她而言

操作起來得心應手

她說

兔子沒什麼了不起狗也沒什麼可恥

可恥的是在職場上明明是狗(累得跟狗一樣)還裝兔子

我從他跟拳頭一樣大養到跟狗一樣大，但它才陪伴了我二年，2007年I am just not Ready 就離開了，之後我就決定不會再養任何寵物。

happy走了之後，我一直從別人養的兔子中尋找happy的身影，但也發現不是所有的兔子都跟happy一樣，乖人養乖兔，怪人養怪兔。從別人的部落格裡取暖曾有養兔子的共同經驗，那時還沒進入2.0的時代，不然我也應該會跟跑兔友趴。

連婚紗照都希望兔子入鏡，還去淡水借來了小乖(應該也已經不在了…)

小黃.jpg

小瓜出來之後變成小乖換西瓜

想到當時還跑去參加阿宅的寵物聚會，唯一的收穫是，當時知道原來兔子界也有中繼之家，可以當中繼媽媽，或是領養。當時說得很輕鬆:

「這實在是不錯的IDEA，適合沒耐心又愛變化的我，不需要豢養的小王子與狐狸的關係(兔子是假裝弱勢的任性大王，他主我從，不用培養這種關係)，練習接受一切(不管是豬公兔或是小雞兔)，學習分離的無奈(像一定要轉檯的可魯)為人生常態。」

不是豢養關係，練習接受一切、學習分離是常態

也許等小人ready了，我們可以開始以這樣的方式練習生命教育。

*********************************

小瓜養過魚，盲妹買回來的孔雀魚，但是在我們也沒認真當一回事的狀況下，被我們養了不到一個月就死掉了。

當時我也覺得沒什麼就打算處理掉了，沒想到就在打算丟掉的那刻，小瓜突然暴哭，小瓜一暴哭，二瓜也跟著沒來由地暴哭，我有點嚇到，不過是魚而已…

但原來那對小人來說確實是生命，情感上他們是這麼的纖細脆弱

所以後來當時去魚雅築帶回來蝦子的時候，我第一個反應是---Come'on 不會又來了吧!

果然又是一個月的光景，只是這次我們沒讓小瓜看到屍體，直接說他從馬桶水管裡溜走了，可能想去大海吧! (還連接Finding Nemo的橋段就是了?)

過關。

*********************************

小燈泡事情發生後的這兩天，挾雜著前一天才看DC黑暗系電影，很難整理情緒。

我問上帝，為什麼要把這麼脆弱精巧的產業交到我們的手中? 何以祂覺得我們有承擔這麼巨大風險，包括失去的能力?

上次我這麼難過，是一位扶輪社聯誼會的朋友無預警地離開我們…

一樣的場景，一樣的情境，一樣地會發生在我們身上。陽光灑落的午後我們迫不及待出門，抖落一身的發霉，或許是為了到站牌接盲爺，或許是到運動公園透透氣，四歲，一打二(or plus) 大的溜著滑板車，你邊顧著小的，口中還得碎念著大的: 過馬路小心，或是後面有車來了…然後…

原來，這叫做集體創傷。

***********************************

跟著小瓜提提到掃墓時看著的柴犬，還有過去的小黑、保羅、happy還有那些無名豢養過的，腦中突然出現了讀過的聖經句子: 生有時，死有時…

然後我把這句找出來看: 傳道書 Ecclesiastes

3:1	[hb5]	凡事都有定期、天下萬務都有定時．
	[kjv]	To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
	[bbe]	For everything there is a fixed time, and a time for every business under the sun.
3:2	[hb5]	生有時、死有時．栽種有時、拔出所栽種的、也有時．
	[kjv]	A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
	[bbe]	A time for birth and a time for death; a time for planting and a time for uprooting;
3:3	[hb5]	殺戮有時、醫治有時．拆毀有時、建造有時．
	[kjv]	A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
	[bbe]	A time to put to death and a time to make well; a time for pulling down and a time for building up;
3:4	[hb5]	哭有時、笑有時．哀慟有時、跳舞有時．
	[kjv]	A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
	[bbe]	A time for weeping and a time for laughing; a time for sorrow and a time for dancing;
3:5	[hb5]	拋擲石頭有時、堆聚石頭有時．懷抱有時、不懷抱有時．
	[kjv]	A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
	[bbe]	A time to take stones away and a time to get stones together; a time for kissing and a time to keep from kissing;
3:6	[hb5]	尋找有時、失落有時．保守有時、捨棄有時．
	[kjv]	A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
	[bbe]	A time for search and a time for loss; a time to keep and a time to give away;
3:7	[hb5]	撕裂有時、縫補有時．靜默有時、言語有時．
	[kjv]	A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
	[bbe]	A time for undoing and a time for stitching; a time for keeping quiet and a time for talk;
3:8	[hb5]	喜愛有時、恨惡有時．爭戰有時、和好有時。
	[kjv]	A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
	[bbe]	A time for love and a time for hate; a time for war and a time for peace.
3:9	[hb5]	這樣看來、作事的人在他的勞碌上有甚麼益處呢。
	[kjv]	What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?
	[bbe]	What profit has the worker in the work which he does?
3:10	[hb5]	我見　神叫世人勞苦、使他們在其中受經練。
	[kjv]	I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.
	[bbe]	I saw the work which God has put on the sons of man.
3:11	[hb5]	神造萬物、各按其時成為美好．又將永生安置在世人心裡．〔永生原文作永遠〕然而　神從始至終的作為、人不能參透。
	[kjv]	He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.
	[bbe]	He has made everything right in its time; but he has made their hearts without knowledge, so that man is unable to see the works of God, from the first to the last.
3:12	[hb5]	我知道世人、莫強如終身喜樂行善。
	[kjv]	I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.
	[bbe]	I am certain that there is nothing better for a man than to be glad, and to do good while life is in him.
3:13	[hb5]	並且人人喫喝、在他一切勞碌中享福．這也是　神的恩賜。
	[kjv]	And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God.
	[bbe]	And for every man to take food and drink, and have joy in all his work, is a reward from God.
3:14	[hb5]	我知道　神一切所作的、都必永存、無所增添、無所減少．　神這樣行、是要人在他面前存敬畏的心。
	[kjv]	I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him.
	[bbe]	I am certain that whatever God does will be for ever. No addition may be made to it, nothing may be taken from it; and God has done it so that man may be in fear before him.
3:15	[hb5]	現今的事早先就有了．將來的事早已也有了．並且　神使已過的事重新再來．〔或作並且　神再尋回已過的事〕
	[kjv]	That which hath been is now; and that which is to be hath already been; and God requireth that which is past.
	[bbe]	Whatever is has been before, and what is to be is now; because God makes search for the things which are past.
3:16	[hb5]	我又見日光之下、在審判之處有奸惡．在公義之處也有奸惡。
	[kjv]	And moreover I saw under the sun the place of judgment, that wickedness was there; and the place of righteousness, that iniquity was there.
	[bbe]	And again, I saw under the sun, in the place of the judges, that evil was there; and in the place of righteousness, that evil was there.
3:17	[hb5]	我心裡說、　神必審判義人和惡人．因為在那裡、各樣事務、一切工作、都有定時。
	[kjv]	I said in mine heart, God shall judge the righteous and the wicked: for there is a time there for every purpose and for every work.
	[bbe]	I said in my heart, God will be judge of the good and of the bad; because a time for every purpose and for every work has been fixed by him.
3:18	[hb5]	我心裡說、這乃為世人的緣故、是　神要試驗他們、使他們覺得自己不過像獸一樣。
	[kjv]	I said in mine heart concerning the estate of the sons of men, that God might manifest them, and that they might see that they themselves are beasts.
	[bbe]	I said in my heart, It is because of the sons of men, so that God may put them to the test and that they may see themselves as beasts.
3:19	[hb5]	因為世人遭遇的、獸也遭遇．所遭遇的都是一樣．這個怎樣死、那個也怎樣死、氣息都是一樣．人不能強於獸．都是虛空。
	[kjv]	For that which befalleth the sons of men befalleth beasts; even one thing befalleth them: as the one dieth, so dieth the other; yea, they have all one breath; so that a man hath no preeminence above a beast: for all is vanity.
	[bbe]	Because the fate of the sons of men and the fate of the beasts is the same. As is the death of one so is the death of the other, and all have one spirit. Man is not higher than the beasts; because all is to no purpose.
3:20	[hb5]	都歸一處．都是出於塵土、也都歸於塵土。
	[kjv]	All go unto one place; all are of the dust, and all turn to dust again.
	[bbe]	All go to one place, all are of the dust, and all will be turned to dust again.
3:21	[hb5]	誰知道人的靈是往上升、獸的魂是下入地呢。
	[kjv]	Who knoweth the spirit of man that goeth upward, and the spirit of the beast that goeth downward to the earth?
	[bbe]	Who is certain that the spirit of the sons of men goes up to heaven, or that the spirit of the beasts goes down to the earth?
3:22	[hb5]	故此、我見人、莫強如在他經營的事上喜樂．因為這是他的分．他身後的事、誰能使他回來得見呢。
	[kjv]	Wherefore I perceive that there is nothing better, than that a man should rejoice in his own works; for that is his portion: for who shall bring him to see what shall be after him?
	[bbe]	So I saw that there is nothing better than for a man to have joy in his work--because that is his reward. Who will make him see what will come after him?